Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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