the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize