So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
