Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
