Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
