In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
