you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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