Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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