just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
