I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Randomize
