I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
