woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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