I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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