I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
