I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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