i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize