ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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