That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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