My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Sext me about skeletons
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
