Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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