Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
