I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
