I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
