Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
