he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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