textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
