his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
