No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
