I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Randomize
