i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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