When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
