Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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