i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
