if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
