just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
