If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
