i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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