She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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