Having a random hookup so left but love u
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
