Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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