bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
