Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
