Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
