Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Randomize