I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
