Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
