If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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