I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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