Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
this boner is exhausting
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
