Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
