As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
