I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
