im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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