Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
