my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
