That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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