I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
