I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
