I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
